Love and Complexity
There seems to be so much complication surrounding love. Being honest, it’s probably for the better that love is mired in complexity rather than being straight forward. I can’t help but imagine Elaine from Seinfeld when I think about love and its layers. I imagine her exclaiming something like, “ LoVe! Get out, I’m not in Looooove. Well at least not Love with a capital ‘L’. I mean I like the guy but that’s little ‘l’ not the big guy” Love has a daunting aura to it and I think this is because of the implications love comes with. Love,…
Limerence
An aching thumping rattle Longing, wanting, needing Stomach in Knots tied till threads rip A soul mate, loveless for any other Two souls to be made whole Yet Soul mate lost but never found A surrogate made and mutilated Real feelings dashed for fiction Illusion smashed, hollowed heart Surrogate lost, soul mate shattered Manifested for warmth and love A myth made with flesh as clay A myth sustained for hope A myth abandoned for progress Living hollow, living without a whole soul Walking to tomorrow with the specter of longing Tempted, ever so tempted The heat is corrupted hope, forbidden…
My sister’s boyfriend
Now with a title like “my sister’s boyfriend” you might be thinking that this is about, well, my sister’s boyfriend. No, this is about me, the boyfriend of the sister. I never thought much about this role I played; well at least in the moment. It wasn’t until today that a collection of thoughts brought this to my attention. In my first relationship, my girlfriend had a brother who was in middle school while his sister and I were dating. We were in high school and so thinking about him never came up unless I was with him. He was…
Rewriting an old excerpt.
The old: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeee. My ears dampened and deaf with the sound of nothingness amplified tenfold. chest pounding, drenched in sweat. Legs trembling, feet iced over. Face warm, hot flushed and worried.Stomach twisted and tied in knots, though the pain might have one seem that it’s somehow torn itself in two. Hands trembling, chilled to the bone. With one uninterrupted motion a man falls. The earth shook seemingly, as if an elephant just fell. His head bouncing off the wooden floorboards cracking his teeth loose. One may consider this man faint, but as the pool of blood began to manifest, like…
Moving boxes
I’ve wanted to move from AZ for a while now. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great place if you’re near the big city. That being said, I am not. So it’s difficult being here, on the frontier. Even if it wasn’t the distance to anything fun that was the issue, this last year has made me exceptionally frustrated with the heat. I’ve pretty much had my AC running since May and only turned it off in November. 3 months of tolerable outside temps is no way for someone to live. I don’t have any plans to move, hell I…
Monster
I wanted to write to you about Crimson. Specifically because today is the day after her day of passing; the first year. In writing, I began to spin off to my other dog Riley. Though not my intentions, I feel that it would be a better moment to share with you Riley. He needs some light and I know Crimson would agree. After all, she lost him too, something we could never talk about. So, that is the theme of the following , enjoy. I never even thought to post yesterday. It’s funny how time does have its way with…
Transcriptions 1/?
Where am I going? This question has always plagued me. “What do you want to be when you grow up?If you had a million dollars what would you do?” they’re all the same. Frankly, I have no idea where i’m going. My general plan in life is college; that’s it. In 2018 there was no plan. In 2014, I was graduating high school and still had no plan. Hell, I even remember taking a test my freshman year that could tell me what career that might best suit me; I hated the results. I think this indecision and anxiety with…
5/10/26
You ever feel like there’s something wrong with you? Yeah, me too. I’ve pretty much always felt like there was something wrong with me. I’m not sure when or what caused it really, but it’s been there. Watching over me. Sometimes it would take my hands. It would wrap its hands into mine, clasping the palms and widen its arms to pull me tight. We’d dance for days. Other times it wasn’t around, I’d run free without its lead. It hadn’t been around for a while one time. Whether we danced or stood alone, I never felt alone or accompanied. …
Journal Entry #unknown
It’s been 10,679 days since I got here. I’ve ran out of proper bowls for food and cereal, I’ve resorted to 16oz yogurt tubs as an alternative
An Unsent Letter
Firstly, I wanna say thank you for this heartfelt message. I’ve been struggling with how to respond to your message. If these drafts were hand-written, one might think it snowed in my room. That being said, I feel that this draft will be the one that’s sent. It’s always a pleasure to see You, XXXX and the kids. I’ve always been so inspired by the family you guys created and being in its presence is a gift in itself. It’s no problem helping XXXXXX! If anything, being around XXXXXX is a reward on its own. Every time I visit, I…
Personal interpretations and understandings on how reality is and operates, divides and prevents understandings.
Don’t have any authority or education on the matter, just taking a stab at describing something I’ve noticed.
Needing Answers to an Unknown Question
I can’t quite put my finger on it, yet I feel its presence. I’m not sure if it’s a pressure, or something that manifests such, but as I said, it’s all around me; ever present. Silencing my mind, it feels like a question, one that I can’t see the words too, only the question mark at the end of a missing sentence. What is it? the question I should be asking? I feel as if conclusions have been reached to their own and wits end. Yet, that’s what that feeling is, a lack of resolution, a failure to feel content…
Man Among the Flys
A man sits and eats accompanied by flies. A man separated from all through perception. His world, one of hellish confusion, and twisted wills. Angry he abides, tongue bitten through. Resenting and seething, there’s lament for his reality. The anger exists through the mystery of his ailment. A disability, unable to see the real world, the world for those who don’t dine with flies. How can he be so ineffective? how was it that he was cursed to walk as a ghost and among the flies.
Betraying The Heart For Comfort of Convenience
It’s with equal parts frustration and sorrow that I write this letter. Frustration in feeling as if what I say fails to capture the essence of how I feel and what it is I want to say vs what it is that I mean to say. Sorrow for knowing that I speak not to the one whom I’ve coveted all these years, but to the person who inspired it all. A person, who by all rational accounts, knows nothing more than what once was; that’s if there even existed a “once”. There’s no doubt in my mind that it’s this…
Ready, set, start
I wanna pour out all the reasons, one-by-one, why I’ve given myself 6 more years. But you know what, it doesn’t matter. I could construct every reason “why” down to the perfect explanation, yet it would never be enough. Truth is it’s never going to be enough to someone who loves you. It’s never enough to look at an empty seat with a letter that explains it all. A letter can’t be a shoulder to lean on when times get tough. A letter won’t be there to hug you at your kid’s wedding. A letter won’t be there to take…
Here, There and Nowhere
It could have been any bar in the city; why I chose this one, I don’t know. What I did know, however, was that I didn’t want to be bothered or alone. I can’t help but think, “If you stare at something long enough, you’ll learn something.” What I was trying to learn from my cocktail was something lost on me. Yet, as I spun the glass and watched the straw and ice lag behind, there was a sense of comfort. Each new side that emerged—a changing landscape of jagged peaks illuminated in reds and pinks—caught my eye. Maybe it’s…
The Song Bird’s Shadow.
Over the mountain, through a canyon beyond the hills, and across a prairie, people in mass and motion, their moving buzz is the thing we call life and living. Yet, like a black speck—muted, washed out, displaced, replaced, forgotten, and cast aside—there lies one in the cracks between. Like a Songbird, last of his species, his heart grows ever more fractured with every call he cries. For this songbird sings a song to an audience who only hears it as ambience. Year after year, this last-of-its-species sings his heart out. Fueled by hope and fueled by horror, they sing until…
The Warden, The Guard and The Prisoner
My mind is, well, lost for words these days. Yet that does not mean I am dispossessed of thoughts. I’ve always had luck, in the past, when it came to creativity. Off-the-wall thoughts, ideas, or concepts have always been a talent of mine. It is this very thing that I find tragically absent in my life now. It feels as if a window I once sat in and basked in has been shuttered, or even removed entirely. I want to say this is because I never sat on that perch alone. Those jokes and quips were always shared. Whether they…
The Peace of Love
I wish I knew what it was exactly that fires in my brain—specifically, the thing that fires when a creature who loves you with their whole being follows you to your place of relaxation and struggles to keep their eyes open, just to lose the fight and fall into the deepest, light slumber. A peaceful sleep that fills the air with the sounds of scrunched-nose snoring. To look over at their face and see the tranquility that is the safety you and this place bring. I’m sitting here at my desk writing this as I look at my adopted boy,…
Presence in the Present
I’m sure with little effort and a quick Google I could find their name, but where’s the fun in that? When I walk my dogs in the morning, I choose a route that skirts the side of some neighboring farmland. Usually, it’s long cotton rows that fill the field; this time, they decided to go with rye. There’s a beauty in seeing the timelapse of a field growing. Perfect, rippling rows of reddish-orange clay mounds drag across the land like a Zen garden of an industrialist’s design. Though barren may come to mind for those who only see this land…
Words Left Along 