Words Left Along

There seems to be so much complication surrounding love. Being honest, it’s probably for the better that love is mired in complexity rather than being straight forward. 

I can’t help but imagine Elaine from Seinfeld when I think about love and its layers. I imagine her exclaiming something like, “ LoVe! Get out, I’m not in Looooove. Well at least not Love with a capital ‘L’. I mean I like the guy but that’s little ‘l’ not the big guy”

Love has a daunting aura to it and I think this is because of the implications love comes with. Love, when used sincerely or from one person to another, expresses not only an intense fondness but also can say, “I’m happy here with you”. Alone that sounds innocent enough, but love brings with it the question of, “so now what” and this is where the weight lies. 

“So now what”, the question that ignites a forest of further inquiry. “Do I love them back?” “Does this mean we’re at the next phase of our relationship?” “What does this mean for the future?” “Can I afford to meet this person at this level of intimacy?” Etcetera, etcetera. Everything from questions about moving forward to doubt come up. 

I think when you’re someone who’s quicker to love, these questions come up later, when it’s no longer possible to off put asking yourself it. “Am I ready to live with this person” when they ask you to move in. “Am I ready to settle down?” When you see your friends going out. “Do I know myself? And will being in a relationship stop me from finding out” when you stop to face and face depression. 

Though these questions are hard, it’s precisely their difficulty and the further weight of answer’s implications that makes love so complicated. 

To those who stumble into love and things seem to just work, I have always had my doubts about their genuine feelings. It’s either that two completely comparable people genuinely found one another, or it’s two people desperately trying to outrun the questions and unknowingly run straight into its arms. That’s where I feel the majority of heart ache comes from, the confrontation of least asked questions. 

Looking back at the people I love and have loved, there have been some very difficult situations that remain on the top of my “most difficult moments” list. To name a few, love has made me confront death and suicide and the notions associated with it. Love has taken me to my edge of tolerance for my friends’ behavior. Love has forced me to see that I was not living my life. Love has forced me to realize that, at times, I haven’t always had a mind rooted in reality. 

None of the things listed above came easy, rather they all brought with them a deep existential, philosophical and core belief shaking conversations within myself. Few things, aside from the majors like loss and accomplishment, can bring you such world shifting lenses. 

Though at the time, these realizations and disruptions hurt immeasurably, they fundamentally shifted who I was into a more refined version of myself. I never sought that however, it’s just the consequences of dealing with something so powerful and complex as love.