Words Left Along

I know in my heart of hearts that I have things that I want; Shocker, man wants things. Sure, we all want things in life, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve begun to accept that there are genuine wants of mine that just aren’t within my control. 

Maybe this was a lesson I was supposed to learn years ago. Regardless, its a hard lesson to learn when it seems that everyone in my life doesn’t know or believe it. My mom died wanting to be happy. My father trades relationships for his want of success and has neither. My therapist tells me to believe that I’ll find someone, when she can’t find one herself. 

Of course you can have your wants, so long as they fall under your umbrella of control. I always want Oreos, so I buy them. I want money, so I work. I want to write, so I do.

Yet it feels that the greatest of wants are things that lie outside our grasp, outside our control. To touch briefly on the bigger issues I have with therapy – the cognitive dissonance that is, “ don’t care about what people think of you” and the necessity that is favorable thoughts from someone – lies at the core of wanting. 

We want to be loved, which requires someone to love you. We want to be seen, which requires someone to see you. We want to be successful, which requires others to recognize your ideas. 

Aside from the gate that is people’s favor for you, sometimes wants, if left unchallenged, can remain as irrational thoughts. I used to want to own an antique shop on some cozy Mainstreet where it was always perfect weather, and the economics would allow it. This want is perhaps more realistic than other past wants, but from where I stand right now, it is not realistic. 

Perhaps my most unrealistic of these wants has been one that has hung in the back of my mind for years. I’ve always wanted my friends to throw me a surprise birthday party organically. 

Before you say “that’s possible!” Ask yourself,” is it really?” My entire life, I’ve told everyone how much I hate my birthday and that it’s just another day. All of my friends tend to forget to even say happy birthday and if they remember, they’ll usually say, “not that you care”. Now, let’s say I didn’t do this and I made people aware of my birthday, how could I tell them I want a surprise party and feel it’s natural? The minute I tell people, this is what I want, the back of my mind going forward will carry the weight of hope that this birthday will be the one. Not only would I be expecting it now, but the fact of asking ruins the natural and organic part of my want. 

This all may sound doom and gloom. But the unexpected benefit of seeing life through this lens is that it removes the burden that is wanting the unlikely and opens the door to achieving possible wants. 

Once you surrender those wants that are outside your control you’ll begin to only see the wants that are possible to achieve. If there is a single point to this whole writing it is that. I realized this some time ago and it wasn’t until a year later did I begin to act on them. 

I’ve always wanted to go ghost hunting. This has been a want of mine forever. I also wanted a reunion with my friends. In the past I always wanted to get with this person I had limerence for. Because I couldn’t make the last happen, I never felt anything that I wanted was possible. That all of my wants would remain as dreams. I had to give up the idea of a relationship with them as a sort of forest culling 

One-by-one I cut down the trees that were dead and hogging the light. When I was finished I found the trees that somehow still lived. So, I nurtured them. The wants that were possible. Eventually I did go ghost hunting, but I also made it a friends reunion. Neither would have been possible if I had continued allowing unlikely wants to over shadow the wants that I had control over. 

Wanting isn’t bad, but wanting something that isn’t possible, unlikely or outside your control, can rob you of the wants that could come true. I’m not sure if this is a lesson that was supposed to be taught somewhere along the way, but I know it now and I’m forever thankful for it.