Words Left Along

Just a few days ago was my mothers 63rd birthday. If she were alive today, it’s impossible to know how it would have been celebrated. So much time has passed since she passed away in 2014. So much time in fact that I didn’t even notice it was her birthday until later in the day. 

Why I’m writing though is due to the fact that my brother and I had movie night and went shopping at the store together and it was never mentioned. It’s neither curious nor sad to me, more of a realization. Though her passing was something traumatic to both of us, enough time has passed where her birthday has become just another day on the calendar again. 

I’m not sure what to do with this. A part of me wants to feel something, something like pain at this lapse in memory. Another part of me feels at peace with it; And I want to lean into the peace more.

It almost feels as if the weight of it all has finally been shed off my shoulders. That time, in its way, has taken the burden off my back and mended gaping wounds. The eighth was just a Tuesday. September 8th is now just another part of the month. I’m no longer haunted by what’s to come or what has been, the weight of grief has been released off of me. 

The part of me that wants to hurt is the part of me that feels like I should remember; That I should keep the burden. Maybe it’s right, perhaps some burdens are meant to be carried. Is there shame in letting the dead be dead? Is it a tragedy that we let bye-gones be bye-gones? I don’t think there’s a right answer to this, only a preference. A preference that we feel about our legacy in death. 

What would have been her preference? What is my own? To be remembered, mourned and carried like a weight? To be let loose and be weightless to those who have always had the burden of going on without you. In death, I hope that my children won’t be burdened by my death forever. Naturally death brings pain for some time, but it should never be so long that it becomes a part of their life. I would want my children to mourn me, remember me fondly, but let me go; for their sakes.

September 8th was just a normal day. September 8th came and went. Just like September 9th and 7th. Should I feel bad? No.