Words Left Along

Firstly, I wanna say thank you for this heartfelt message.

I’ve been struggling with how to respond to your message. If these drafts were hand-written, one might think it snowed in my room. That being said, I feel that this draft will be the one that’s sent. 

It’s always a pleasure to see You, XXXX and the kids. I’ve always been so inspired by the family you guys created and being in its presence is a gift in itself.

It’s no problem helping XXXXXX! If anything, being around XXXXXX is a reward on its own. Every time I visit, I always tell your mom how much he reminds me of one of my best friends. I swear he and my friend could be personality doppelgängers. XXXXXX is a good kid and I’m always happy to be there for him when I can. 

I appreciate y’all having me at church! I always felt, joining XXXXXX in doing something she loved and was dedicated to, was the least I could do to show my thanks for all her generosity. 

Even though I’m not the biggest or most traditional believer, attending church has always been a wonderful experience. From learning what the Bible actually says to the wisdom that can be ascertained from said text, it’s all just a good time all around. 

It’s weird, I feel lost for words and flush with things to say; It’s an odd place of dueling opposites. 

Thank you for your condolences and sympathies. I’ve probably been through the wringer more times than most by my age, but I really try not to think about things that way. 

We can’t control the hand we’re dealt in life, so you just have to make due with the cards you have. You’re right, it is what we make of these experiences where power lies. I may not be able to time travel to change the past, but reinterpretation for reclamation may very well be a second best. Everything “bad” I’ve been through I look back with genuine thanks and appreciation for. Perhaps not an appreciate most would understand but only the appreciation that a marble statue might have for the chisel.

Life is a process of refinement, no one is born with all the talents and wisdom that’s needed to make it through unscathed. If anything the journey of life is the scathing itself. Some allow the pressure and percussion of life to be the fuel and fire to their motivation. Some see this as the whip and the master. Neither of the two ways of seeing things are wrong or false statements, but one does make things more bearable. No better an example of this is the phrase, “one must imagine sisyphus happy”. The separation of torture and motivation is the deadly thin line of ones own perceptions.

Though certainty may be the rarest attribute when it comes to the truths of life, I have no doubt that it is certain all things must come to an end. I wish there was a way to emphasise the pause and internal listening I encourage you to feel when reading that statement. What is it that comes to mind when you read that line? What other thoughts and feelings surround it? If I had to guess, based on the tone of your original message, perhaps a sentence as final as the one above might bring some concern. Perhaps it opens the door to personal inevitabilities that lay best hidden down the road. Regardless, to me, it’s a truth that I have built on. When built upon honestly, do you start to see the comfort this truth brings. In seeing the above earnestly, does the comfort of knowing that ALL things come to an end, including the “bad”. 

Right now in life, I lean more towards life being more whip and master, but in knowing that all things come to an end, this perspective is temporary. Right now, I don’t find much joy in things. Right now I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel. Right now I struggle to keep pushing my boulder. However, since I’ve found something firm to build upon, I know that the hope in all these statements is the “Right now”. Life is not flat. Life is not a sine wave. Life happens like the waves on the coast. No two waves are the same height and power, nor do they stay or last around for the same time. There may even be a time where there are no waves at all. So right now, I may be on my surfboard and there aren’t any waves, but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be. I may be in this slump for another day, week, month or year. I may be hurting for some time. But I know for certain that this too will come to an end.    

I appreciate your family’s and mother’s support and it is securing to know that I have you all in my corner. When or if the time comes when I need your help, I won’t hesitate to reach out. Until then, know that I love and appreciate all of you. That my silence in not asking for help isn’t a lack of faith in your offer, but my own belief in myself that it’s yet the time to ask. 

Thank you for your message and I’m sorry it took a moment to reply, but I wanted to give this response the time and attention it so rightfully deserves. I’m very happy to have You and your family in my life, not just as people I know I can rely on, but also as an icon of what it looks like to have a family that is full of love and life.