Words Left Along

I wanted to write to you about Crimson. Specifically because today is the day after her day of passing; the first year. In writing, I began to spin off to my other dog Riley. Though not my intentions, I feel that it would be a better moment to share with you Riley. He needs some light and I know Crimson would agree. After all, she lost him too, something we could never talk about. So, that is the theme of the following , enjoy. 

I never even thought to post yesterday. It’s funny how time does have its way with wounds. Yesterday, a year ago now, I lost my dog Crimson. 

Truth be told, when I heard that XXX got her, I was pretty upset. Not because I didn’t want her, but because we had just gotten Riley; one of my old German Shepards. 

Riley was becoming quite the beautiful mess. We had to re-sod the back yard twice because of him and Crimson. I’m not sure why we never worked with him to become a house dog. I can only say it’s because we began to lament him. 

He was a goofy, energetic goofy puppy boy. I was a heart broken, ball of raw freshly malted emotions. I had a tolerance of shit so low, a bowl of soup spilling would have had me on a murder charge. He was too much for me. 

It fucking breaks my heart to look back on how horribly I treated that poor puppy. A life, fresh and new to this world. Full of jumping joy and glee for no reason other than it’s what was in his heart. I saw this as something to be annoyed by. So I took my pain out on him. I dimmed his light, a crime so heinous, it very well might be worse than murder. 

I hope the person who we gave him too brought it back, made it shine just that much brighter. I hope they undid the damage I did. 

God, what did Riley do to deserve that? Why was I a monster to him? I’ve learned my message from it, but was the price too steep? I can live with the torch, but what of him? He could never understand. 

I know how much of a monster I am, to him at least, yet I want nothing more than to find him, hug him, and tell him it’s not his fault. That he’s such a beautiful boy, whose soul is as gold as angels themselves. I wish I could take his pain I put him through, multiply it ten fold, and wear it myself. 

Somewhere you’re out there, dead or alive, wherever and however, I hope you have your light back. I hope that you have all the space and water you could have ever dreamed of. I hope that you sleep on the softest of beds, coldest of floors, and the warmest partner to snuggle with. I hope, I beg and I plead that you, above all else, have peace. 

I love you Riley. I always will, 

Your monster.